I am not a bad Mum for taking mediation for my mental health. I’m a bad Mum if I don’t.
These last few days I have been a bad Mum.
For those that have been following my blogs for a while would know just how determined I have been to nip this Anxiety in the butt. Ive completely changed my diet, I exercise everyday, I get regular colonics (for those yucky parasites which CAN contribute to anxiety and depression) and I make a note everyday to do something for me. self care is SO important to me.
But somethings gotta give.
This last week for better words Ive been a fucking MESS. I haven't been overly motivated, my temper is at its limits and I'm just down about a lot of things. This is NOT who I am. I actually don't even remember feeling like this before I originally started my medication.. have I made it worse???
I started to titrate my medication in hopes that I could completely wean myself from this drug, that I could balance my emotions with a balanced diet, exercise and daily wellbeing. I wanted to see where my “real” mental state was at.. is it as bad as it was before the medication or has this tiny little white tablet just been a blanket??
I went research crazy!! I educated myself in every which way to figure out how I could CURE myself of Anxiety/Depression and sure I know for some this would defiantly work but for me… 3 month into weaning my medication I think I've hit that wall, I think I need to wave that white flag.
I am one of the most determined people you'll meet. Give me a challenge and even if it scares the shit out of me ill most likely do it. I love a challenge! but this is a challenge that I can’t beat. This week Anxiety and Depression have pulled out their lasso, caught me again and dragged me back to reality. If anxiety and depression had a voice I’d feel like they would of said to me “ Oh darling where do you think your going??? come back here we’re family!! we aren't going anywhere and neither are you. You can run but you defiantly cant hide Bron.”
Today, the 4th of December was breaking point. I just finished an amazing team gym session and I would usually leave on the BIGGEST high!! the gym is MY ZONE to let go of all the shit of the outside world and just sweat the stress out but today I left ignoring my children the entire car drive home. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to Parent and I didn't want to Bron for the day. After 4 days of continuous ups and downs, constantly going through the pros and cons of this process and lastly feeling like fucking shit as a human, wife and parent I knew this was just one of those challenges I couldn't complete. The last 4 days consistent of me having the shortest temper for the most silliest of thing, feeling tired and lethargic, no appetite and basically numb. There were moments I didn't want to talk to anyone! Tony included and that broke him, it broke me too cause I couldn't help these feelings. I tried to take time out and breath but it just wasn't helping.
The white flag is up.
I came straight home and went straight to my pill box and took my second half. I sat down and took a deep breath! I've honestly wanted to cry for the last 24hrs but after getting my lashes done the day before I didn't want to get them wet (hahah priorities). I am writing this minutes after I took that second half and already I feel a weight off my shoulders. I want to call Tony but I don't want to cry. I actually don't want to talk to anyone cause I know ill cry, God even typing this I want to cry! Ive worked so hard to get rid of this tiny little pill but today the pill won but you know what. IT'S OK.
After so much research and talking to medical professionals, for some anxiety and depression isn't just a seasonal thing, for some its a life long battle. Anxiety and Depression can steam from so many things, genes or environmentally Anxiety and Depression for some just doesn't go away from eliminating the environmental factors that can bring on this disease, a disease that has no cure. One thing you may not know about me, and in fact I didn't know about until the last couple of years is that both of my parents have PTSD. For years I felt like an outsider in my family, I felt alone because I had anxiety and as much as my parents would say “I understand” I felt like they never did because they NEVER spoke about their own experiences UNTIL I started openly talking about mine on these types of social platforms. My parents are both ex Military and as a daughter I always saw my parents put on this front where mental illness was never spoken about. Isn't it funny that It took their daughter to talk about it for them to let go and talk themselves. Ive also heard that the longer you leave with these types of symptoms and not seek help it will gradually get worse and worse. ALWAYS SEEK HELP no matter how embarrassed or scared you are.
So here I am, 20mgs deep again and I feel relieved.
My mother in law called half way through writing this and I asked for her advice being not only my mother in law but also a Nurse and someone who takes similar medication I just needed reassurance. I needed to know I was doing the right thing. In fact she didn't really talk much! I just needed someone to hear what I had to say. Sometimes you just need to be heard and understood and thats exactly what I got from that phone call.
So as much as I wish I could say YES! I'm almost finished weaning Im relived to say that I am in fact on my original dosage of 20mgs of Ciprimil again and I'm content with that decision because this decision means that my kids have a happy Mum, My Husband has a loving wife and I feel like “Me” again. I like me better when I'm supported and if that means on medication then medication it is. This is who I am and I'm OK with that.
It is OK to not be OK. But it is not ok to not seek help. If you are going through some of your own issues please do something about it. Help is always available.
3 MILLION AUSTRALIANS ARE LIVING WITH ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION.
AND ONLY 35% OF THAT 3 MILLION ACCESS TREATMENT.
Please don't struggle any longer.
If you want to seek help please see your doctor or call Beyond Blue hotline on 1300 22 4636 today.
If this blog post has resonated with you please leave a comment below or share with your friends and family. Who knows you could help someone by sharing my experiences.