Disclaimer - I have received professional Medical advise to reduce my medication. Please don't ever start reducing your medication without the permission and guidance of your doctor.
On the 8th of October I decided that today I was going to start reducing my medication and 4 weeks on I have so far successfully weaned 10mgs from my 20 mg dosage of Cipramil.
The first 3 weeks I felt amazing in fact I didn't see any difference at all, it wasn't until last week and this week that I'm noticing a shift. Ive got my emotions back and I'm short tempered again.
I'm confused because after all my testing done by several doctors they all said, Yes you have sever anxiety but you aren't showing any signs of depression, and deep down I knew I wasn't depressed... so I thought.
So for the last 2 weeks I've noticed a big change in my emotions, I've cried in sad scenes of movies again, Ive had moments of "fuck it" and my short temper has returned after almost 2 years of my boys thinking I was an angel Mum and not overly worried about them spilling yogurt all over the car seats.. yep! that happened yesterday and prior Bron on 20mgs would of said "Don't worry about it guys, its just yogurt! get a cloth and clean it now before I get angry" but current Bron turned into a beast! I felt the heat on my chest and my eyes about to water. I yelled for no reason and there was no wall to stop these emotions from flooding. After the clean up happened which to my disgust at the time took way too long I sat back and thought - Is it worth it?? do I want to be this person again...
When I first went on Cipramil I thought I was due to go to a psych ward because I had NEVER experienced anxiety attacks like I had the day before seeing my Doctor (If you haven't read the first Anxiety Sucks Balls blog its best you do before this post) I was done! I just knew within myself that it was time to finally after 7 years of managing my anxiety on my own to go onto medication.
Now that I look back I can see that I probably was depressed. Tony was on a 4:1 roster, We moved into a house that at the time I was terrified of the thought that someone was going to break in and I would be stuck with 2 kids and a robber, Terrible diet as I would ALWAYS opt for easy and that usually meant Maccas. On top of that I secluded myself from friendS and gained a shit load of weight. I was lonely and not in a good space.
My temper was terrible and there were days where I literally screamed into a pillow, I would cry on the phone to Tony most nights saying how hard my day has been and that I think he needs to come home. I didn't enjoy being a parent some days and then the next day it was all sunshine and rainbows. Now that I look back I defiantly was depressed but I suppose I just convinced the doctors otherwise cause I was ashamed to have that label.
They put me on Ciprimil because they said it will reduce my anxiety attacks but I can say that over the time of taking this medication I STILL have Anxiety attacks, no where to the extent of those major ones that day on the highway tunnel but still good enough to put me into shock that Ill have these for the rest of my life.
So here I am officially 10mgs down and I'm pondering if this medication was in fact for my mental sanity and not my attacks? I wanted to completely wean myself to see where my TRUE mental state was at but maybe I should just take these feelings and emotions as a sign to not go down that track again.. I believe my kids can already see the difference, Im short with them, Ive yelled at them more in the last 2 weeks then I think I've done all year and its not them! ITS ME!!.
Gosh even writing this its like I'm convincing myself that I should be happy that there is such a drug to not make me an angry old cow and I'm sure my husband and kids would be too. Im one of those people that always has to try things out, investigate and hopefully succeed but maybe this is a battle not to be won.
The best way to describe the feeling of being on Ciprimil is Imagine your kids are mucking around, yelling and screaming whilst they eat their bacon and eggs you've just slaved away making them on a beautiful Sunday morning, Suddenly one of them spills their cup of milk, Its all over the table but its also dripping all over the floor your freshly swept and mopped last night.
No Medication Bron - "Are you serious??? Ahhh all I ever do is clean up after you!! I make you a beautiful meal and then you make a mess that I have to clean up! BE CAREFUL! look at what you're doing and next time move the cup closer. Now I have to mop the floors again! cheers."
Medication Bron - "Oh Mate you silly bugga. Don't worry heres a tea towel, ill get the floor and you get the table and then ill get you a fresh cup ok".
Ciprimil for me is like that wall that yes stops emotion but I feel like its unnecessary emotion like getting angry over spilt milk but its also dropped the sadness emotion so sometimes I have no sympathy for things where I should probably be shedding a tear and thats not to say I don't cry anymore! I defiantly do but its for more major things and not a netlix series scene where someone is giving birth and is crying themselves so I feel the need to join in.
Another downfall of ciprimil is the lack of libido it gives you. Now I was no horne bag trust me but Sex is a regular thing for a couple and although we are pretty regular in that department (#fifowifelife haha) Im not usually one to anniciate sex anymore and although it may not sound like a big deal but its a regular bodily function so once its gone you do notice even more so now that it takes longer to orgasm. When I read on the "Side Effects" list on the pamphlet I was surprised to see that it reduces you libido and in fact is true for me.
There is so many pros and cons but that little voice in my head is saying, Don't allow it to get back to what it once was.
So here I am with a head full of knowledge that I've absorbed by medical professionals about the gut and brain connection but also the fact that anxiety and depression is a chemical imbalance and from what Ive learnt isn't a curable disease but is only something that can be maintained.
So I'm sitting here wondering is this really a good idea after all?......
To be continued on my next Journal.